until next time

There are good news and there are bad news.

*

I am fiercely loyal to friends, the very few people I trust.

*

Last Thursday, November 14, while moving photos from my phone to a flash drive, I found a video from July 20, 2013. Edwin and Sancho had just moved to a new apartment, and they were trying to cheer me up with a small wooden artist figure. I remember that day. A Saturday in Manila, when I felt the world tightening around me. The usual culprits from college were silent. Edwin and Sancho, knowing what I was going through, pulled me out of my head and asked me to help them pack. These two, in their own way, saved me.

They were always more level-headed than I was. Always saying things will pass. And life happened, I returned to Bohol. On August 18, 2022, Edwin told me Sancho had passed away. 

Watching that old video again, I thought of messaging him, to catch up. Based on his social media, he’s into badminton, and he’s good at it. Before I could send my message, I rushed out of the house for a conference.

*

On November 16, as I was readying for my return to Dumaguete, a friend messaged: “Not sure if you heard about Edwin...” I immediately knew what it meant. One of my fears had arrived. He passed away the night before. The message I meant to send stayed as a draft, unsent. 

*

On November 19, we should be celebrating Sancho’s 40th birthday. 

*

Two of the few people I trusted most are gone. Two who steadied me whenever I faltered. Edwin pushed me to explore. Sancho, an artist through and through, urged me to write more so we could one day create a book together. For years he sent drawings and ideas, but I kept saying no, afraid to try new things. It took time to unlearn that fear, after numerous times of being rejected, lied to, maybe even gaslighted, by someone who I thought cared. 

*

This morning, November 17, after the flag ceremony, the museum announced my achievement for literary arts. I know, without Edwin and Sancho, none of this would have happened. I would still be that man filled with uncertainty.

There are bad news, always. But there are good news you can hold on to.

Aside from my family, friends, and my partner, I am especially sharing this win with you two. 

Thank you, Sancho.

Thank you, Edwin.

Rest in peace. And I’m sorry. I really am sorry.