Monday, June 11, 2007

in dependence, in tenable

This is the day of celebration of our nation’s sovereign from any foreign grasp, free of various oppressions. It is the day of Filipino independence.

But on this particular day, there’s a different issue on this notion of independence, something that disrupted the following hours this morning. It is the issue, instead, of being dependent and the practice of always being tenable.

Ever since I have always been depending on my inner positivistic ideas, though I could be very pessimistic in dark times, blind of what’s next to come and of dead-ends ahead. And this is one of the biggest weaknesses that flow in my veins. What I usually think is that when I get into this, I really do get that whatever happens—which unsurprisingly doesn’t happen and leave me wide-eyed of shock and wonder then later transforms into a gnawing depression.

And yes, that’s what in me currently. And the bad thing is I don’t know when this cold feeling would ebb away. Being very dependent on my perceptions and feeling that I should be maintained, defended, held, or even contained into a certain shell of fortification at all times by someone or something else aside from my efforts may sound like great strength and confidence heightened in unreachable degrees but, really, the consequences are awful.

It is like you keep on expecting, and at the same time keeping other people’s belief that you could really attain your objective, and in just a matter of seconds (a text message, perhaps) all possibilities trickle down from your grip like ice-cold water; stinging and flowing.

Sorry for putting up another schmaltzy post in this blog but I just couldn’t help it. I kept on asking this to myself after I learned a bad news last March, “Why disappointments are continuously pouring in?”

And at this point, I think I should revise that query: “When would these disappointments stop pouring in?

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