please excuse the clutter

Fred Jordan Mikhail T. Carnice

The Weekly Sillimanian

August 15, 2007

I.

A couple of days ago, I attended a leadership training that ought to shape the purported heads, chiefs, or managers of tomorrow but, instead, I went back home with body aches and shirt stains due to all those team-building torture.

IV.

Pondering has become my habit: I think I have delegated my tasks properly and orderly. I think I have listened enough to grievances and made an effort in solving them. I think I have made my point. But I am wrong. I just keep on thinking!

II.

As one of the activities in the programme, we were assigned to present a short skit based on Jack Welch’s words: “Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be.” Well, it turned out to be an instant favourite; it was played repetitiously in my mind. Nevertheless, a shocking insight upon contemplating this line of leadership spirit enlightened me: It was the recognition that I am a wandering nomad, lost, trying hard to determine which path to take on and at the same time guilty of not knowing what to do.

VIII.

Though easier said than done, at the least, I am currently steering away from the paranoia. But it is also a slow process, so please excuse my vagueness when I am approached.

III.

There are times when simply reading a fresh graphic fiction anthology, sipping some cold coffee, or conversing about the latest flick brings about a sick sensation that I have committed an offense. As if my heart constricts and make me ask myself, “There are more things to be done! What am I doing?!”

IX.

To end all these brouhaha, I tell you: This is not just about me, but this is about everyone who is nitpicked away from their comfort zones and is plunged into a fiery chasm where trust is elusive and help is just as fictional as the word muggle.

V.

Yes, it really sounds good if one assumes I think too much (he or she can only imagine what great invention or discovery I have in mind) but the underlying disadvantage is that, because I think too much, the act of doing is left to nothing more but just a morsel of thought. And it makes my cluttered brain more devastated as if typhoon Chedeng just paid me a visit.

VII.

As for my case, it is really scary. And for someone who occasionally leans towards the absurdities of human nature, it might be possible. Thankfully I know change is gradual, and I can fully stop this before the transformation completes me into becoming like a zombie. So the next question is: How? Based on “reliable” findings I overheard from incessant beer talks at the nearby videoke house or special meetings that ought to straighten up what is crooked, let’s just say an instant self-check is required to set up a go. Or listen to the people around you and assess your present deeds; it is impossible that they don’t even have the slightest comment! And if that, still, doesn’t work, run and hit yourself on the wall about 50 times and I am pretty sure your state of “lostness” will go away and before you’ll even notice it, you will find yourself—plus violet patches of bruise. I could have decided on the latter one time but I am just too lost to have conjured an idea like that.

VI.

A confession must be told: my supposedly innocent leisure now turns into something sinful. The barriers between what I want, what I need, and what they need are slowly crumbling. I am becoming aware of knowing the fear of unknowing. I would certainly become ambiguity in human form! This is such an embarrassment to any so-called leader!

X.

Well then, this is really not the perfect time to babble and to think before I go—Crash!

Note: The chronology of the paragraphs was muddled stressing the author’s “lostness” when writing this (hint: follow the Romans).