Thursday, July 02, 2009

transformers sequel directed by bb. joyce bernal or lyde gerard villanueva is megan fox

Of course, there’s no truth in that statement. We all know Michael Bay directed this cartoons-turned-toy-turned-movie franchise. He’s just the man behind the commercial dud The Island and that little movie series Bad Boys. But hey, don’t deny it, the name Bb. Joyce Bernal sounds superior with Transformers, right? Close your eyes, imagine the end credits rolling, and hear a thunderous voice saying: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen… directed by Binibining Joyce Bernal!” Cool, isn’t it?

Okay, I’ll stop kidding around but Bernal is someone reputable. Besides, Bernal has something in common with Bay. Aside from the fact that their surnames starts with “B,” the woman’s directorial efforts have actually spawned blockbuster hits, well, maybe just in the Philippines but a hit is a hit. And Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is not an alien in the “hit” category. The Autobots and the Decepticons make it big the second time around.

As of the moment, I’ve heard in the news that the film is catching up with the grosses of last year’s massive The Dark Knight. But that’s a different matter. I love the two battling races of alien way before they are adapted for the silver screen. I’ve seen the choppy seminal cartoon series, the CGI-versions, and I even have quite a number of toys that’s shared with my older brother (or is it the other way around?). Therefore, with all these stated, I’ve imposed to myself a mandatory review of the Transformers sequel.

Fallen has all the works of a superb underdog action flick. It has a lanky protagonist, a sexy cohort, a dedicated sidekick and uncontrollable parents for added humor. To complete the setup throw in an object of desire (from the All Spark relics to the, erm, Matrix of Leadership) and two groups that would try to win it over while the aforementioned characters run amok in the center. It’s as simple as that but the problem is the concept has already deserved its place in a silent corner of the house—and that is in the trash bin. If I am just a toddler with an attention span of a thumbtack, I wouldn’t have regretted watching the movie last night. After all, I’ve grown up with the technicolored robots! As stubborn as I am, and since I am trying to disagree to the critics’ spite, I watch.

Sadly, Fallen succeeds only in the last word of its title. It has fallen.

To encapsulate how it has affected me as a viewer, it feels like a “Hey, let’s make a movie that has explosions here and more explosions there while far, far away another set of blasts will follow! And it will be totally cool if we put in a hot chick in all these chaos and record her in all exploitative angles! Huh? Story? What story? People, more explosives and noise please!” kind of movie. I have nothing against movies with big bangs—I love Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men and the final episode of Star Wars.

I dare anyone out there to ask any simpleton who has seen the movie what it’s like and I bet you’ll get an Awesome Answer: “Whoa man! It’s awesome. Did you just see that awesome stuff that just went into the air, like, it’s the awesome-est thing in the world? Gad, it’s super awesome!” Then, if you ask what the story is all about and you’ll hear the chirping of birds. One or two lines of explanation will be a feat. Alright, hold your horses fans, Fallen has something anyone would call a plot—and it is as thin as a millimeter stretched to almost two-hours of wasted film. Honestly, I have had my occasional “Ooohs” and “Aaaahs” but they are only up to that, or maybe out of sympathy.

Fallen is like a cold kernel heated to produce the fanciest popcorn in the history of cinema. Yes, it has raked in cash unlike any other movies this year and yes, YES, it is what a movie should be all about—Entertainment with a capital “E”—but I just can’t figure out its monstrosity of inconsistencies. Fine, ‘nuff said and let’s get this straight. Listed here are some few bulleted points of the many problems that plague Fallen. I tell you, these will even make a first grader scratch his head in question until it bleeds. Watch out, spoilers spew after this period.

1. The Guns
This runs in my head from the very start: “What were they thinking?” The US Military Armies have already encountered alien invasion, superior non-human intelligence, yet they have not realized their tiny measly guns and rifles have no match for the adversaries’ thick metal hides. These people continue shooting like mad! Wow, talk about dedication. But for goodness’ sake, didn’t they even see that Jazz’s or Optimus Prime’s canons gave nothing to the Decepticons but mere scratch? As if everything starts to become futile, finally, Pentagon catches up on their noodles and releases their tanks and fighter jet planes with missiles that are as good as your bottomless iced tea.

2. The Scenes
Hello, this is already a sequel. I know these robots are made up of the most durable metal in the world or the universe whatever so there’s no need of pushing that fact into my face. The extreme camera close-ups on the transformations are pretty neat at first but they tend to be wearisome, perhaps boring in the next few shots. They are absolutely unnecessary. I can pass Yoda with his pointy ears and telekinesis or Harry Potter with his magic spells because their theatrics are not the main star of the film. Some fight scenes are prolonged too, don’t build up to the progression of the plot, they should be discarded completely. The incessant and blatant apocalyptic destruction is a Michael Bay signature but, in here, he has gone overboard (again) with the pyrotechnics he should work at Disneyland.

3. The Emotions
I know they are aliens that resemble stylized versions of numerous Voltes V thingamajigs but, at least, just the slightest bit, put in some emotion. It seems to me that the only trait highly prioritized in the movie is lust (sans Fox, imagine humping dogs and a robot. A robot?!), anarchy (goodbye Shanghai), and machismo (too much of it that a High Endurance Old Spice scent emanates from the screen). Heck, Wall-E has made millions cry with mere bleeps and buzzes! After trying to recall something humane in the entirety of the film when I’ve just been rendered deaf, viola, I discover there’s something noteworthy after all. It is in the forest scene where Optimus Prime battled two or three Decepticons while saying to Sam “Hide. Sam.,” and then, after a few metal-bashing moments, saying “Run. Sam.” Wow. That’s the most heartwarming episode I can remember.

4. The Dream Sequence
To redeem the worth of my hundred and fifty bucks, I’d like to call one scene as The Dream Sequence, for formality’s sake, rather than relate to it as The Heaven of the Robots. I’ve seen enough imaginary works than have ensued in the silver screen but I just couldn’t hold on any longer to my overly-extended suspension of disbelief in one “crucial” scene near the end. Sam sort of died but woke up after a moment of hearing inspirational Wachowski-an speeches from dead robots. Yes, you read that right, dead robots in a misty and narcotics-induced setting. Let’s make this clear: I watch to be entertained, not stumped from some cheap deus ex machina tactics.

5. The Pants
And just look at that, Megan Fox has a pair of white pants that eternally stays virgin white until the last five minutes of the film. After all that running, jumping, and more running in the midst of a total jumble of dust and debris, not a spot of dirt is to be found on her skinny jeans. Galing ng labandera mo, Ate! Oh wait, Shia LaBeouf is already bleeding to death but Fox remains pristine and immaculate—not a single scar on her oh-so seductively tanned face. Yeah, she is Megan Fox, adored by a hoard of perverts and worshipped by every gentleman’s magazine published in all points of the compass but, come on producers, no special treatments to your actors! If not for Lyde Gerard Villanueva, someone who has a name that would hit the A-list of Hollywood stars soon, I forgive this movie. As what he has said before we entered the theater, “Kung ikaw si Megatron, ako si Mega… Megan Fox!” I can’t debate to that any further.


gillboard said...

So I take it, you didn't like the movie?

f. jordan said...

Does it sound like it? Hehe. No, i do not completely despise it. I enjoy the movie on a no-brainer level. Just for fun, like watching Spongebob.