Monday, June 07, 2010

the fall

He ambled alone in a trail and found his men asleep under the almond trees. “Wake up! Why can’t you even spend an hour with me?” the man asked, his robes as pale as his face. But before he received the words he wanted to hear, he felt the burden of his disciples’ own pronouncements and let them be. His feet brought him to a hilltop where he wept and confessed to his Father. He was struck by lightning.

3 comments:

speakinginhushedtones said...

I don't want to ask the question pero I think for this one I have to - is this poetry or prose? Cause I feel it has the sonic characteristics of poetry pero may pagka-prosaic at some point.

I like the play on "the fall", how it's normally associated with Adam and Eve but for this one you turned it a different direction although I have qualms against the last line - parang ok, "he was struck by lightning", sige interesting pero I want a transition (kahit ung type na "moments later he was struck... etc" lang) between this and the prev. statement kasi this statement feels so awkward for me. In a way baka ito ung intent mo - to make it pop out, but it doesn't sit well with my ears.

At the same time, the statement of "before he received the words he wanted to hear" ticks me off a bit. What are these words and why would he want to hear them? For this piece I felt the statement was unhelpful because I didn't get even a suggestion of the answer (to that statement/question).

Another question: did you read the gospel before writing this? A part of me is curious how this would sound written ala Biblical style. :)

Rhodge said...

Jordan:

Jesus told the Apostles, "Could you not spend one hour with me?" in the garden of Gethsemane during His passion.

Gethsemane nga. I thought sa Transfiguration hehe.

f. jordan said...

@Alyza: Thank you for that reading, Alyza. Nope, haven't exactly read the gospel, just heard the quoted line from a pastor's sermon one Sunday morning. I loved it and immediately thought of tweaking the setting and situation of the story into something, erm, far from what it was trying to say...

@Rhodge: ...and with Rhodge's provided information (thank you), maybe I will develop this soon into a much more cohesive piece.