the elavatory

Development all throughout the ages has totally defined what our current technology is capable of. From the latest Cellphone with built-in Turbo Boilers to the most famous Washing Machine that irons your clothes at the same time, it is indeed notable to see such inventions in the near future.

But Silimen University College of Chars and Sciences actually had its discreet unveiling of something groundbreaking, something innovative, and at the very least something fresh in the community. The CS Elevator has finally found its use!

“Since the elevator has been completely neglected for how many years, the College along with the Bored of Trustees approval, we decided to renovate the elevator,” Dean of the College Claros Magsulit said. “It is a first of its kind!”

Though the quandary of the elevator was finally faced in the times of the Great Depression when the Chars and Sciences faculty grieved in bloody tears, at long last the once forgotten piece of marvelous idle machinery is transformed into an upscale state-of-the-art restroom that could transport you up and down the levels of the college building at the same time relieving what is supposed to be relieved. They called it as the “Elavatory,” a fusion of an Elevator and a Lavatory, another word for Pinoy restrooms.

In line with the celebration of the World Oppressed Bladder: Changing the World Towards Urinary Perfection, the Elavatory was launched last Friday, September 22 at the CS Grounds.

Combining both style and substance, it is equipped with modern amenities found usually in six star hotels of the 22nd century, the elevator cum restroom boasts of ultraviolet cleaning mechanism aside from the flushing water. Floors are made of granite. Automatic rubber-emitter slippers are also provided that keeps you away from slipping on the scratchproof tiling. Tissue papers are still being utilized but are improved using a special kind of paper wherein it can be reused several times. “We still wanted to stick with tradition,’ Prof. Claros Magsulit pointed out.

“I am so proud of being a Silimenian. With this Elavatory, it goes to show that this institution is truly competitive in terms of technological standards. We are now famous! Bwahaha! We’re famous!” Psychology major Valium San Peter joyously said, who is now on her fourth year.

Resident Janitor Jave Jacob Baltusa is also happy for this new facility. “Murag dili na jud magamit ning mga C.R. sa mga floors aning buildinga [CS Building] tungod aning Elavatory. So meaning, mugaan-gaan gamay akong trabaho kay otomatic man diay mulimpyo ra ug iyaha ning Elavatoriha ni; from the floor, ceiling, and to the walls! Mao nai char!”

According to Microshoft Endarta, it is known that in the 16th century the puritanical spirit of the Reformation further discouraged bathing and use of lavatories in a mysterious island in Europe. Believe to be cursed especially for women who have their monthly “visitor,” these were their worst nightmare.

It was then in the 18th and 19th century that the use of bathrooms and lavatories became a form of fashion when some elite men proved that it was harmless. Because the previous trend before was that the grimier your look, the better. And this explains why most people before are darkly toned and smelled awfully bad.

In these years, we truly need to keep ourselves clean, and the unveiling of this Elavatory highlights its purpose. “Let us steer away from all superstitions that hinders proper hygiene for ourselves,” Magsulit proposed.

It is heard that the cost have summed up as much as the overall salary of the whole departments’ staff. As always, along with critical praises, comments are still endlessly flowing. “Who can ever benefit from a toilet that would unexpectedly spurts out water to our bottoms, and that the whole cubicle would go up and down to add to that?” Dr. Deal Low, a philosophy professor, commented. “It is no use after all.”

A professor from the Filipino Department, Prof. Rosaria Lops also objected to the Elavatory’s unimportance. “Parang wala namang gamit yung restroom-elevator na iyon. Sana naman merong bar dito sa KH para mas masaya! Makakaparty pa kami!”

“Samuk kaayo! Bastos! Ninggamit ko aning bago na C.R. pero ningkalit ra man ug open and sliding doors… nakuyapan ko! At least, in fairness upholstered ang toilet mao na dili kaayo sakit ang pagpakog nako,” a Speech and Theater Arts junior stressed, who decided to be called as Claudine. “Bisag naai tabon, lain pud noh. Gagamit kag banyo then naay musulod!”

Still, this Elavatory faced a lot of controversies even if supported with Silimen President Ben Malaya. “This is indeed an added landmark in the history of Silimen University aside from the Over Overpass,” the President closed his speech.

After all the purpose of these things is to make the use of what is available to its fullest extent, and the College of Chars and Sciences’ Elavatory is a testimony to that adage’s legacy.

- this previously appeared in the Weekly Sillimanian last September 27, 2006 as a lampoon article.

All places, events, and characters are treated without malice -- fictional.

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